Jack and Kieran: Predictions

In the first of our World Cup-centric blog posts, Jack and I provide our ten key predictions for this year's Rio Spectacular. 

(We made these predictions separately and any suspicious discrepancies or similarities between them are completely accidental, and to be completely honest, we don't appreciate your tone.)

Winner:
Jack: It’s a boringly safe answer but I can’t look further than Spain. Only four teams realistically have a shot: the reigning champions, the hosts, Germany, and Argentina. I fancy Casillas and Co. to recreate the Maracanazo of 1950 and break Brazilian hearts on their own turf.

Kieran: Brazil; simply can’t see past them. They’re excellent in every position (with the possible exception of Julio Cesar), and are supplemented by the benefit of an outrageous strength in depth for the very likely event that Neymar suffers ligament damage over a cynical challenge from a particularly savage blade of grass. They’re acclimatised to all that heat and shit; a concept some European countries find inexplicably inexplicable. Also they’ll have been severely intimidated by the government to win it in some vain attempt to unify A NATION DIVIDED. You know, A NATION DIVIDED because of the world cup’s crippling economic reverberations. Funny that.

Golden Boot:

Kieran: Exposing not so much my football hipster credentials as my pervasive romanticism, I think Rio 2014 will finally be Giuseppe Rossi’s time to shine. A genuinely fantastic player afflicted with a traumatic injury record, he has been declared fit, and therefore READY TO MAKE HIS MARK IN WORLD CUP HISTORY. I reckon he’ll score six, as Italy finish third having been knocked out by a CRUEL Koscielny scuffled tap-in in the 91^st minute of the semi. He just seems like such a nice guy. The kind you’d go to the Swan & Three to have a drink with, and then you’d laugh together about their overpriced ales. Memories.

Jack: Argentina have a weak group, excellent service from midfield, and are likely to go on a deep run in the tournament. It’s therefore hard to look past their three-pronged attack of Aguero, Higuain and Messi. I’ll go slightly out on a limb and pick the Napoli man. He bagged four goals in South Africa, while his strike partners have yet to properly show up in a World Cup.

Player of the Tournament:

Jack: Anybody who had the misfortune of sitting near me during the recent Champions League Final will now be aware of my man-crush on “The Holy One”, Angel di Maria. I back him to utterly dominate in Brazil, fending off competition from Marco Reus, Andres Iniesta, and Big Ricky Lambert.

Kieran: David Luiz. There I said it. I really, really rate him; especially when he’s partnered with the indomitably sturdy Thiago Silva. For me, these two players will be THE DIFFERENCE for Brazil. Thiago Silva will REDEFINE THE MEANING OF SOLID, but I think Luiz will be responsible for more than a few crucial blocks/tackles, and will CHIP IN with a TOWERING header in the quarters.

Surprise Package:

Kieran: ‘Yeh my surprise package is Belgium.’ ‘Yeh mine is as well!’ ‘Hey, mine too!’ No, sorry folks, that’s not how it works, no matter how incessantly Phil McNulty and other BBC Sport jabberwockies insist otherwise. They are a terrific young team, but it’s not quite their time methinks. I’m going to go for France, reaching the final. They look very, very good again. So yeh France.

Jack: I’m not sure if they qualify as a genuine dark horse – winning in 1998 and reaching the 2006 final - but nobody seems to be talking about France. I expect them to remind everyone of their quality after a shocking performance in South Africa. They have an admittedly ropey defence, but players like Benzema and Pogba should steer them through an unimposing group to the quarter finals at least. If pressed to pick a more legitimate underdog, I’ll go with the universally acknowledged answer in this situation: Croatia.

Biggest Flop:

Jack: Belgium. With apologies to Taha Abrar and my dad, who both picked the Red Devils for a semi final berth, I can see it all going pear shaped. The talent is unquestionably there, but so is an inflated sense of expectation. I reckon they’ll start slowly, scrape through their group in second place, and get blasted by Germany or Portugal in the second round.

Kieran: Croatia. An absolutely phenomenal midfield supported by some excellent finishers, undermined catastrophically by an ageing, painfully average defence. Will go out in the group stages methinks.

The Matty Adams Grottiest Goal Award:

Kieran: Since it’s too late, sadly, to actually call up Madams, let me establish the scene for you. It’s the second group stage game, between Greece and Japan. It’s a turgid 0-0 at the 64^th minute. Greek corner floated in to the back post. A Torosidis header back across goal. Gekas smashes his sliced effort from six yards out against the ground and it shudders the crossbar. It spins unflappably downwards an inch out. Japan’s keeper leaps on it but KARAGOUNIS PRODS IT HOME. THE 37 YEAR OLD HAS DONE IT. Karagounis then strips naked and leaps into the crowd never to return.

Jack: This is set to be an all-out war between Georgios Samaras and Edin Dzeko, but I fancy Fred to feed off Neymar’s scraps and stick an absolutely disgusting effort in the back of the net with his hipbone.

The Stu Drayton Horror Tackle Award:

Jack: I don’t think anybody would be surprised to see Cheik Tiote end the career of some poor Japanese journeyman, before jogging slowly back into position as though nothing happened.

Kieran: Jack Wilshere on de Sciglio five minutes after he comes on as a sub in the 58^th minute of England’s opening match. He is promptly sent off. He tweets three hours later apologising to his teammates, the fans who made the journey, and to all of England. The Daily Mail brand him A NATIONAL DISGRACE. The Times go for the timid, and incredibly tenuous, JACK YOUR BAGS WILSHERE; YOU’RE GOING HOME.

The Steve Evans Best Managerial Celebration Award

Kieran: When Netherlands sneak dubiously into the last 16 thanks to a decent if unspectacular Van Persie effort, Louis Van Gaal will tear open his suit Superman-style to reveal a ‘HE’S MINE FOREVER’ t-shirt with a smug if not wholly off-putting smirk.

Jack: I’ve never heard of him before, but Mexico’s Miguel Herrera looks like he’s capable of causing some serious dugout damage in the event of a late winner. (As a side note, if you haven’t seen Steve Evans’ touchline rampage in the Rotherham vs Leyton Orient playoff final, do have a quick search on Youtube. It’s breathtaking.)

The Roger Milla Award For African Country Most Likely To Make Their Continent Proud

Jack: Let’s not kid ourselves  – Ivory Coast are going to go the furthest of the tournament’s African nations. That’s not what we’re talking about here. We’re talking about highly significant goals completely undercut by choreographed celebrations. We’re talking about goalkeepers falling on their arse after dashing twenty yards out of the box to clear a harmless punt forward. We’re talking about fans with decent facepaint for once.  We’re talking about dancing at every opportunity. We’re talking about smiles on faces and really lighting up this World Cup, Clive. We’re talking about Ghana.

Kieran: Ghana had their fun last time round, and now it’s the Summer Of Cameroon. There’ll be awkwardly endearing dancing, wacky costumes, affable chants, rascalish fan interviews, and more BBC casual racism than you can appropriately handle.

Jozy vs. Shola

Kieran: Shola. Because I have to really don’t I. Jack left me no option.

Jack: Jozy.