England Squad Lookalikes

England may be out of the World Cup, something I am personally devastated by of course, but I thought their squad was ripe for the pickings in terms of analysis. No, not through heatmaps or passing stats, I was thinking more along the lines of how they all look, tenuously, like silly stuff. So here’s the entire England squad, deconstructed for your pleasure.

(WARNING: some of these may be considered slightly offensive/inappropriate/cruel. Sorry)

Joe Hart: Okay, confession time, this one isn’t mine, but I thought there was no way whatsoever I could top it, and to be honest it just deserves more publicity*. Looks like he was really good at ‘fingering the hottest girl in the year above’ at school.

Fraser Forster: Looks like a casting director’s wet dream for the part of Lenny in a community play adaptation of Of Mice and Men.

Ben Foster: Looks like a soft-eyed orang-utan who looks after himself quite well.

Glen Johnson: Looks like a guy at work you’d get on well with for a few months, but then on a night out he’d reveal that he actually really, really likes My Little Pony.

Leighton Baines: Looks like he wouldn’t shut up about the enlightening Foster The People interview in the latest NME.

Luke Shaw: Looks like if he was a winger he’d be called the baby-faced assassin. But he isn’t. So he isn’t.

Gary Cahill: Looks like an electrician who’d spend more time pontificating on whether he wanted his coffee black than actually fixing your main fuse.

Phil Jagielka: Looks like he’d passionately quote the Communist manifesto while handing over eighty quid for cuff-links.

Phil Jones: Looks like the ‘joke’ one of a group of lads; you know, the one that’s only involved because he’s always up for buying a round and is a perpetual subject for mockery but will just laugh along. Most likely to be seen alone at half two in a club having a drunken existential crisis.

Chris Smalling: Looks like he’d quite happily spend half an hour reciting to you (and concomitantly laughing along to) his favourite Two and a Half Men jokes.

Jack Wilshere: Looks like a minor, expendable cockney gangster from a mediocre Guy Ritchie flick.

James Milner: Looks like an alcoholic gorilla. He probably lives with Ben Foster’s orang-utan, but is considerably the slovenlier of the two.

Jordan Henderson: Looks like he’d go on a lads’ holiday to Malia where he’d mouth off to a menacing Serbian about his shit vest, and is consequently stabbed.

Steven Gerrard: Looks like he’d be really proud of his position as deputy manager of the butchers’ section at an ASDA in Norfolk.

Frank Lampard: Looks like your fun, loveable uncle who you then find out was in prison for a decade on your fourteenth birthday.

Ross Barkley: Looks like he’s more than capable of writing a totally legible, and surprisingly thought-provoking, thesis entirely in abbreviated text-speak.

Adam Lallana: Looks like he’d prefer to go canal boating in Wales rather than ‘tanning in Spain or sightseeing in Vienna’ (he’d spit condescendingly). He’d then get furious when you asked him why.

Raheem Sterling: Looks like the protagonist’s wacky best friend in an eighties Brooklyn-set sitcom.

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain: Looks like he gives absolutely world-class bromance hugs.

Wayne Rooney: Looks like the dead baby from Trainspotting.

Daniel Sturridge: Looks like a guy you’d cross at uni and immediately judge as being a dick, before progressively realising he’s one of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet.

Danny Welbeck: Looks like he was the kid in school with ADD who relentlessly tried to convince you he was really smart but just didn’t try.

Rickie Lambert: Looks like he’s worked previously in a beetroot factory. Hold on…

*http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/joe-hart-and-the-career-yips 

Kieran